Breakup Breaking You?

"Dealing with emotional distress post breakup can

be tough. Here is how to get your life back..." 

- Debarati S Sen

When a relationship ends, it brings with it not just the agony of the partition but sometimes may also shatter a person’s self-concept. It is an extremely difficult time for some people who cannot cope with the loss and the hurt.

A study says that when a romantic relationship breaks-up, then an individual’s self concept, that is defined as the ‘sense of me’, is vulnerable to change. Usually romantic partners, over the time they are together, develop shared friends, activities and even sometimes overlapping self-concepts. The person who is left grieving in the relationship is the one who has a reduced sense of ‘me’ and this makes the person feel emotionally distressed.

Heart’s broken? Here’s what to do:

• Try and analyse where things went wrong realising what the problem was and your role in the problem. This will deter you from attracting a similar situation and partner.
• Spend time with your friends, only because they are great people to be with and you have fun, and not because you are alone.
• Take up a hobby, and devote the time you gave to the relationship, to the hobby.
• Pamper yourself.
• Don’t overburden your mind by processing what went wrong.
• Resentment and anger prevent us from travelling light in life.
• Forgive.
• Let go! Heal yourself and open yourself to a new relationship.

“After we broke up, I was shattered and for a month I avoided going out of home,” says Shalini Singhal (name changed). Her partner left her when he got a job offer abroad and their four-year-old relationship was broken overnight. The massive power of loss impacts one’ sense of self and Shalini completely let go of her sense of self. “My parents had to come over to me to help me deal with the crisis. It took me years to get over it,” she says.

After some time of being together, couples tend to feel complete with each other and become a part of a whole and when such a relationship ends, then the individual experiences immense pain, not only due to the separation but also because they realise that they have themselves changed. It can be an extremely turbulent time in our lives and can leave a deep sense of void in our personal sense of ‘me’. The way in which the breakup happens also affects us and it shatters the person if the partner is cruel or unfaithful. “An unfaithful partner can really hurt you. You stop believing yourself,” says Mihir (name changed). After his girlfriend left him for his best friend, he stopped talking completely. He could not trust anyone for a long time, he says. 

Relationship experts say that it is extremely important to deal with the emotions post breakup and pull oneself

up, because there can be a lot of problems in one’s life otherwise. Dr Kanan Khatau Chikhal, clinical psychologist says, “There may be a tendency to run into a rebound relationship as a source of comfort and a way of temporarily blotting out painful feelings and memories. For some others, they have to relieve their existential fear of being alone or their deepest un-healed issue of ‘no one loves me’ can surface and for the rest, a plain simple sense of lack of confidence in ‘I am not good enough’ comes alive.These innate self-fulfiling prophecies are part of our core beliefs that we have pushed under the carpet, buried deep below -which jump up like a jack-in-the-box. It can be extremely painful and distressing in the absence of an efficient support system. A person may tend to go into a shell.”

In order to deal with the distress of a breakup one needs a very strong support system. “A support system includes friends; social meetings, career, physical workout. Maybe even therapy are essential to work on the feelings of void and hatred that have surfaced. 

Every situation is an opportunity to heal, only if you allow it. Moreover, it is essential to, so that when you move into the next relationship, you know you are not on a rebound,” adds Dr Kanan. The clinical psychologist advises that it is important to experience an emotional transformation to free the grief stricken individual from the past. She says, “One must remember to take this breather so that one is not just replacing the love they lost (which can be easy, but don’t do it). Before jumping into a new relationship, ask yourself if your previous scars have healed and are you ready to handle the ups and downs of the new partner. If not, then the new relationship is doomed even before it begins. 

Work on loving yourself and build your self esteem again.” 

Publication: Times Of India Hyderabad;Date: Apr 7, 2010;Section: Hyderabad Times; Page: 5